Come December

Isn't that a song I heard? Can I tell you how my December's used to be and how my December's now are? First, my birthday is in December, 12/9 to be exact. When I was younger I loved to celebrate my birthday, all the presents and attention. As you grow older they become less important probably because you're getting older! Then in 1987 my father died, December 15th. A day before my due date for my son Matthew. He was due to be born on December 16th. So I attended my father's funeral 9 months pregnant with my second child. I miss my dad, he was a good father, I was a daddy's little girl. Then on Christmas day my son was born! I thought to myself daddy sent me a Christmas present, as everyone thought for sure the death of my dad would put me into labor, but it didn't. So I was blessed with a Christmas baby 10 days after my dad died. Joy and sadness at the same time. But my baby filled the void and sadness, took over the pain I felt. As my son's grew Christmas' were the best, I made sure they had all the newest things, the top on their list! The newest hottest games, remember Sega and Nitendo? Aww Mario Brothers, they'd beg me for the paddle back! Come on mom, you're turn is over! New bikes, new skates, the joy of watching them ripping open the presents one after the other not even really seeing what the one before was. Watching new movies as we sat in our PJ's exploring new toys and games. Then on December 31st 1991 a new baby came into my life! A New Year's Eve baby, wow, how lucky can I get. Two holiday babies! I remember the day he was born, I remember it so vividly. How the dr's were in an emergency so I had no epidural, now we all mom's know how important that epidrual is! I kept telling the nurse, this baby is coming, my dr. is not here yet, and I had no anastegia. So she calls him tells me he'll be here in 15 minutes, I said well this baby is coming before then! so of course she checks and yes his head is popping out, I'll never forget the look on her face, God bless that sweet nurse. Don't worry she said, I've delivered babies before, WHAT????? I had two wonderful nurses bring my baby boy into the world. 7 lbs. 14 ounces - hey that's 8 pounds in my mind! So more joy for December, new baby things to buy, more boy clothes, more bikes. Timmy my New Year's Eve baby loved Christmas. he was the first one up before every one, 6AM, I'd make him wait until at least 8AM before he woke his brothers up!! That was torture. He'd beg me, please mom, please wake them up! And he loved everything he got down to the pack of socks. I always told him too for his birthday that no matter where he was, there would always be a celebration going on, how lucky can you be to have a birthday on New Year's Eve, there's always a party somewhere! As they grew older Christmas was still special no matter what age it seemed like Timmy had to get out all the decorations, first weekend after Thanskgiving. He would bring everything up, all the boxes of Christmas Decorations. He would help put them all out. His favorite was putting up the tree and my Nutcracker men! And the tinsel. How he loved the tinsel. And of course after all the gifts were opened the new movies watched, a nice Christmas dinner, it was joy, it was happy. Now let me tell you how my December's are, my son, my baby was murdered on Friday the 13th in July of 2007. Now I face a cold December, my birthday having no meaning, who cares my baby is not here. I try so hard to make Christmas nice for my other boys especially my Christmas baby, I put on that fake smile and say this is how Timmy would want it. But then when it would come time to pull out the decorations, I couldn't do it. The boys would have to bring the boxes up. Last year I was lucky if 1/3 of the decorations got put to use. My son and his friend put the tree up. I haven't got the heart. I can't even listen to the Christmas music it only makes me cry. Especially Silent Night. That song even thru the hot summer days when my baby couldn't sleep and I have no voice of an angel that's for sure, I would sing him Silent Night over and over again. It was the only thing that soothed him and he would peacefully fall back to sleep. I remember after he was killed laying in bed and singing Silent Night to him in the darkness by myself, can you hear me Timmy I'm singing your favorite song, can you hear me??? Are you near me?? Do you hear my whispers I love you in the night, the tears that fall silently on my pillow because I don't want to upset your brothers? Do you feel me squeeze tightly that teddy bear you didn't want because God forbid you are 15 so I kept it anyway, and now sleep with it. I kiss that teddy bear as I say goodnight my baby, I love you, sweet dreams, don't stay up late. My last words to my son before I went to bed, the very last words I ever said to him. This will be my third Christmas without my son, my third cold December, my third son missing from my birthday, missing from the joy of Christmas. I can't even go shopping. I try so hard to go into the stores and I see something and think oh, Timmy would love that. Timmy was 15 years old, this New Years Eve 2009 he would have been 18 years old. A third birthday missed, a third New Year's Eve celebration that I no longer can celebrate. As we grow older and our children grow older and time goes by and peoples lives move on, new babies born, new bright Christmas' to celebrate, my son stays 15 forever, lost time, lost love, lost celebrations, lost listening to him play the Linus & Lucy song on his keyboard. How does one survive this? How can anyone say that the pain will get better, it gets easier with time? I see my life moving on and all his friends doing the things he should be doing, but my life also stopped moving along on 7/13/07, like the day the Earth Stood Still. I just get older and sadder each December.