My thoughts

After five years and nine plus months, my mind is in a different place today. This does not mean there is any less pain, heartache, anger or sorrow. I will forever love and miss my son, grieve for him, feel anger like I'v never in my life felt before. I will forever remember the day I came home and found him lying on his bedroom floor brutally murdered. I will forever remember all the homicide detectives coming and going while I was sitting there, (after they sat me down) while I was crying in shock wondering how this all could be happening. I remember everything about that day like it was yesterday. When your child is murdered, it is the worst of the worst thing that can ever happen to you in life and you will never ever forget it. It will affect every part of your life forever. The heartache is neverending, and you wish you could join them. At one time, I wished I could join my son but no longer do. I remember feeling intense anger every single day, and every November was filled with thoughts like "what do I have to be thankful for, they murdered my son, I'll never be thankful for anything ever again". As I sit here and ponder what has happened since then, I have to be thankful, even if it is for only one person, or many, I guess I should be thankful. I remember the night before the murder trial for one of the murderers when I kept talking to Gerrick and asking him to watch over me while I wondered what would happen during the trial. He was right there letting me know that he heard me. Just like he was sitting right there next to me during each and every court date. I'm thankful for twelve jurors who saw and heard the truth through the evidence and followed the law. I always wished I could have thanked them, but was never given that chance. I'm also thankful for a witness who told the court the truth. I always wished I could have thanked that person as well. I never got the chance to thank all the homicide detectives who worked so hard to find and charge the murderers who murdered my son. Every murder investigation starts with the homicide detectives working that case, and I appreciate each and every one.
One of the murderers who murdered my son pleaded guily to first degree murder. His sentence was only 21 years. The other murderer was sentenced to only 22 years. The trial judge who sentenced both murderers gave them the minimum sentence under Illinois law, 20 years being the least after conviction of first degree murder, and 60 years being the maximum for first degree murder. This means that both murderers that murdered my son will be young men when they get out and will have their whole lives ahead of them while my son is in the cemetery.

No, you never forget, you never ever "get over" the murder of your child. What happens is, time continues, whether you want it to or not. For whatever reason, one day your mind is in a different place. But, your child is always right there with you.
Diane Davies 11-24-09

Today

Today I decided to check the card in my video cam to see if I could retrieve pictures I had lost due to viruses on my computer. To my surprise they were there along with a couple of little video clips Jim was videoing his motorcycle getting a new motor and I could hear his voice how bittersweet that was. Just to hear his voice for a couple of seconds made me both happy and sad and naturally I cried. I never want to forget his voice and that laugh of his he was quite a guy so full of life.
Mom 2 an Angel
Angel Jim

Where Angels Fly

Where Angels Fly

Dedicated to Timmy Clark

They say that Angels fly where the butterflies roam so the story goes,

in a field of clover and where wild flowers grow.

As many hearts will tell you the butterflies are signs,

of our loved ones whispered kisses and loving sweet soft sighs.

How can we believe with our broken hearts

that there ever will be a day of peace, no matter where we start.

It doesn't matter how many times you try,

the life you lived has disappeared the day your child died.

But one thing you must remember, God is loving and kind,

so when you see a butterly, your angel is not to far behind.

by Bette Ann Clark

What I Wish You Knew

Today Kaylin has been gone for one year, two weeks, and five days. I am still grieving. I am still in pain and I still hurt everyday. Some days are better then others. Lately I have had well meaning people tell me things. I have heard, "You need to move on." or "It's been a year, you need to just put it behind you." I know that those comments come from people who mean well and just do not understand what it is to lose your child. There is the compounded grief of losing my child to murder. To know that someone decided that my child should not live any more. To have her taken so suddenly that I didn't get to say good bye. She left my house and never came home. I miss her more then words can ever convey. I didn't get to bury my child and grieve. I have to deal with an investigation into my child's murder. Court dates and a defense that wants to blame her for her own murder. I am grieving and fighting for justice at the same time. I wanted to share with those of you who mean well and just don't know what to do or say. I wanted to share the things that hurt when you say them. I know that you don't mean to be hurtful and that you are trying to help and just plain old don't know what to do or say. I hope that this will help you to understand.
1. Don't tell me that I need to move on. I know that I have to continue living. It isn't that I don't want to move on, it is that I CAN'T move on. When your child is murdered, you have to deal with the justice system. You find quickly that this system is not really about getting justice for your child, but about protecting the rights of the murderer. How can I move on when I have to navigate a system that is cruel and uncaring to the survivors?
2. When I become depressed, don't tell me to "snap out of it." Don't you understand that I would if I could? I do not WANT to feel this way. I struggle just to get out of bed some days. Many parents of murdered children suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the murder of their child. Many go from bereaved to clinically depressed. If we could just "snap out of it." we would.
3. Say my child's name. So often after the death of a child no one will say their name. She is still my child. I still love her. When you won't mention her name or let me talk about her it hurts. She existed and to not mention her name feels like you don't want to acknowledge that she did.
4. Don't avoid me. I know it is harder to be around me. I will do my best to put on my "people face" and talk with you. Know that sometimes when I talk about my child, I just need to say her name. Don't look uncomfortable. Just let me tell you about her as you would have if she were still alive. The friend who can do that is a treasure.
5. Don't talk about closure. There is no such thing as closure. I will never have closure because someone is now missing from my life.
6. Don't tell me that nothing will bring my child back. I know that and I hear it all too often in the judicial journey. No one knows better then the parent of a murdered child that nothing will bring them back. I still want justice. I will still pursue justice because my child deserves it. She was valuable and her life mattered.
7. Don't tell me that you will be glad when I am back to my "old self." I will NEVER be that person again. My life has changed forever. I cannot go back to who I was before my child was taken from me by violence.
DO talk to me. Share your life with me. Tell me about the things that are important to you. Let me do the same.
I know that there are people out there who care about me and who are hurt to see me continue to suffer. There is no time limit for grief. I don't want to bring you down all the time so there will be times I avoid you. It isn't because I don't like you anymore. It is because I am hurting and don't want to "bring you down with my pain." Just telling me you care means so much. I hope that this will help in knowing what a parent of a murdered child needs. I would give anything and everything to just go back to the life I had. I would love to get out of bed knowing my child is safe at home. I am doing the best that I can, and some days just getting out of bed is an accomplishment.

Nothing is the same

Tonight I was once again reminded how our family has changed. Your brother will turn 14 on Tuesday, but we took him out for his birthday dinner tonight. You should have been with us. You should have been there laughing and sharing stories of him as a baby. You should have been there commenting about it being hard to believe that your baby brother was now taller then you. You should have been, but you were not there. Our family changed so quickly. I missed you tonight and thought about how we would have had a boys vs girls thing at some point. Sometimes I don't think people understand that these are the moments that hurt so badly. They don't understand that we cannot just "move on." Now someone is always missing from our holidays, our celebrations, our tragedies and our triumphs. You are always missing. Moments that should be happy are never as happy as they once were. Our life is tainted now. The holidays are coming up and it is hard not to fall into depression. It is a fight just to go on some days. We have to. People don't understand why I can't move on. It has been 16 months, 2 weeks and 1 day so why haven't I moved on? I can't. This was my daughter who was murdered. This goes against the natural order of life. I go first, not her. She didn't have to die. She could have been saved, but someone took it upon himself to decide that she wouldn't be. Someone decided to change my life forever and to throw me onto a roller coaster that I want to get off of. Everything that I believed before is now something that I question. Things that I thought were important before don't seem that way anymore. I would trade it all just to have her back again. Just to hear her voice once more. I'd give anything for that, but everything's changed and we can't go back.

Friday the 13th

Aww yes the day most younger people relish. The superstitious dread it but for the forgotten Mom this day like everything in our life brings on a whole new meaning. Timmy was murdered on this day and while each month the 13th will bring even more heartache the actual Friday the 13th brings pain that is unimagineable to the average mom. Our daughter Lisa loved the movies and each and every time there was a new one being released on Friday the 13th that is where you would find her. I never did understand the whole thing but then again I grew up with Pyscho and admittedly was one taken by the Hitchcock classics. Little did I know what layed ahead. Our daughter would actually die much similar just take away the ripping of the shower curtain and replace it with...well that is something our family with have to live with the rest of our lives...the image...the image I saw of my murdered daughter lying on the floor. It wasn't a movie just like it wasn't for Bette and her family the image of Timmy, as well as all the forgotten moms, being the last image they will have. It is real life and it is a reality most families are spared from ever knowing or living.

Dreading the Holidays

Well Halloween starts the passage of pain in my life. Now Thanksgiving is just 2 weeks away. Then my birthday in December, then Christmas and my 21 y/o son's birthday which is also Christmas, then my baby Timmy's birthday on New Year's Eve. He will be 18 this year. This is a big birthday isn't it, when a boy turns 18, he is a man! he can vote, has learned to drive, now he can join the armed forces if he wants to. Not my son, my son is forever 15 years old. he will not learn to drive, he will not go to proms or graduate high school or join the army, or become the mechanic he wanted to be. Or have those 4 kids he said he would have when he fell in love and got married. But still he will be 18. I have now missed 2 1/2 years of him in my life and it all wraps around the holiday season. how can one be joyous? Another Thanksgiving with an empty plate, and boy he loved to eat that kid! And the Christmas that will be missed yet again, no list this year of him telling me which is his top 10 things he wants! and another birthday missed and a big one at that, 18 years old! I used to tell him no matter where you go on your birthday, you will always have a celebration going because your born on New Year's Eve. So now not only is the birthday but another New Year's Eve. Gone. Just a hollow ache, a hollow pain, that no one knows but another mom who lost a child. I try and think of good memories, but you know, even good memories bring the tears because I won't have any new good memories. How he would go and get all the decorations out. he would bug me right after Thanksgiving when are we putting up the tree, let's put up the tree and I'd say next weekend. Now I can't even bear to put up a tree and I know I will for my other two sons. I will put up a tree and I will buy a new ornament for Timmy as I have done the last 2 years, I made a pack with myself each year to buy him an ornament for the tree so that way I'm still getting him something for Christmas to put on the tree he so loved to put up and decorate. In writing this I'm preparing myself for the dreaded holidays I used to love so much. I'm preparing my family and friends that I will be lost and sad and I'm sorry I'm not who I am anymore but thankful to all of those who stuck by me and hope they still can stick by me each time a holiday or birthday or his angel day approaches as my sadness envelopes me once again.

Our Precious Children

Where are you?

That is a question I ask every night before I go to sleep, that's if I can sleep. Most nights I toss and turn or lay there thinking, thinking, thinking. I play that night over and over again in my head. I think of my son every moment of the day, a lot of times I have to push the thoughts away because I feel the panic, the tears, the heartache rip me apart. I have to stop or I will break down, like I do most nights, or in the car when I'm by myself. Each night before I go to sleep I ask him to come visit me, give me a hug, tell me you are ok, let me hear your voice in my brain, he never speaks when I do dream of him. I see life moving on, people going about their lives, each day a new day. Each day in my life, when I wake up is just another day of pain. Where are you Timmy? I want you to come home. I miss you and I want to hug you.

Don't Cry Because I'm Gone

I know in my heart this is what my Jimmy would want. He would hate seeing me cry almost every day, he would hate the fact that I don't go for one minute of each and every day without him on my mind. I am off the meds now for 1 month just felt I needed to face this head on because it has been laying under the surface for almost 2 years, just covered up with medication. I have dropped to the very bottom of this valley and am trying to claw my way back to the top. I know I would never be able to do this without the love and support of all my sister moms and my loving family. I will get there it may take a very long time but I will make it. The Holidays are so close now I wish I could sleep through Nov. and December. Thanksgiving and Christmas use to be such fun times now I dread even thinking about them, I just don't have it in me anymore to enjoy the holidays epically Christmas because you see my Jim was murdered on December 16th 2007. I will always remember the weekend before his murder we went with family and friends to the mountains up in the snow to get our Christmas trees and naturally Jim was finding all the good ones but said "I saved the best one for you mom". That was a great day and I am so thankful for it. Loving and Missing my Jimmy.

Mom 2 an Angel, Angel Jimmy.

Halloween

This time of year used to be an exciting time for me and my boys. The start of the seasons changing was of course Halloween. Timmy would love to decorate the house, outside and in. He would get old clothes and stuff them and place a scary mask on top so it would look like some monster sitting in the chair out in the yard, he would get the spider web and hang it all over the bushes and drape the little spiders on it, with hanging ghosties. We would carve pumpkins and make pumpkin seeds. He loved drinking apple cider, he'd call me at the store and tell me don't forget to pick some up! As he got older he still continued his tradition, he liked to get dressed up with his friends, not really to go trick or treating, just to have fun. We would go to an annual Halloween Party at a close friend of mine's house. He loved to go there, I would always let him bring a friend. But all of that changed on 7/13/07. When evilness invaded our lives and took him away. So now each holiday the memories I have are all just that, memories. I try and look into something I might have missed, racking my brain to remember more, only if I could remember more would that make it easier to bear? I can't bring myself to decorate, even though people tell me he loved to do that you need to continue on doing what he loved to do. How can I?? How can I continue doing what he would have done, knowing he is not here enjoying it, it only makes me sad, why would I do something that would just make me sad? So to look like I'm "getting on with my life"? I'll never get on with my life, the life I had when Timmy, my youngest baby boy was alive, is a different life I now live. I have two lives now, one when Timmy my sweet buddy was alive, and this life now when he was brutally murdered at the age of 15 years old. This is my life now as I know it. How do you get over something like this?