December 31, 2009 New Year's Eve

It took me a while to come and write this post. December 31, 2009 New Year's Eve was my baby Timmy's birthday. he would have been 18 years old this year. 18!!!! that's a very important birthday, it's the day they are considered "all grown up", adults, they can vote now, they can join the armed services, et. My son never had the chance to become a "man". He was 15 years old when he was murdered on July 13, 2007. 2 1/2 years ago. When I woke up that day, the first thing I thought of was if Timmy was here.... I would be saying "Happy birthday big boy" You're a man now, now you think you can do what you want even though you know I'll be arguing you down if it's wrong!!!! 18!!!!! I'll never see my baby turn 18, I'll never be able to see any of those things that happens when your child becomes an "adult". It was a sad day, besides it was New year's eve. I know for sure I couldn't celebrate. I baked him a cake. I decorated it really nice, well as best as I could. I put a memorial ad in the local newspaper saying Happy 18th Birthday like what else can I do???? I didn't know what to do. I would have been decorating, having his friends over, maybe a little party or something, asking him what he would like for such a big birthday day. I sat there not knowing what to do. I went down the street to where it all happened. I hung balloons there and a poster board to the fence that I wore in magic marker Happy Birthday Timmy, 12/31/91=7/13/07. Then I went to the cemetary with more balloons. My sister went with me, along with my niece his favorite cousin who he was like twins with, and my other nepehew and nephew in-law. My boys, they couldn't go. They just couldn't go there with me. Did it hurt, yes it hurt me, I kept saying to myself they should have went, it was his 18th birthday, his brothers should have went with me. then I realized it's not that they didn't want to,it was because they just couldn't. They don't want to celebrate their brother's 18th birthday at his gravesite. then we left. I went home. It was New Year's Eve. Time for celebration, but not for me. It was a time for sadness, tears, memories and thougths of what could have been. I finally fell asleep at 11:30PM, my one son who didn't go out that night woke me up at midnight wishing me a Happy New Year. I said thank you, I'm going to bed. I went to bed and whispered Happy Birthday Timmy and Happy New Year's. My sweet angel how I love you. Then I heard the next day how it was a full moon that night, it was actually a "new" moon or "blue" moom, that's what they call it when you get 2 full moons in one month. It was the first time this happened in over 16 years I think they said. So my son had a special present from God too I suppose, his 18th birthday fell on a "blue" moon, how poetic. I know that sounds strange, but I felt that it was a sign. Happy Birthday Timmy, my sweet angel son, I love you for all time!