The Little Things

So many times in my life I have let the "little things" get passed me. They never seemed to be a big deal at the time. When I say "little things" I mean it in a way that everyone takes for granted. When you lose someone you love so much you start to remember all those little things you took for granted. And wishing that you could change it and hold onto it for just a little longer because now you know that those little things add up to big things that will never happen again in your life. Here are some of the little things I've been thinking of, holding my son's little hand crossing the street, wiping off a dirty face covered in chocolate, hearing a silly joke that makes no sense at all and wishing you laughed at the time. Watching him jump on the trampoline and saying "mom, mom, watch this" and closing your eyes because you were so scared that he'd get hurt and saying oh that was great, wishing now that you did get to see the sommersault in mid-air! Wishing you stayed home more often when he was sick but you couldn't cause you had to work. There are so many little things and then the big things start tumbling into your brain, how you wish school wasn't so hard on him because he had such a hard time in school, how you wish you didn't force homework down his throat because you thought that was the right thing to do even though it wasn't helping any. How I'd complain about the noise of a house hold full of kids, playing games, or music or just messing around. How I miss that noise, the laughter, the silly jokes they'd play on each other. I don't think a lot of people realize how much this pains me, how it's no one's fault when I hear others talk about their kids and they did this or that or had a wonderful time watching a show, going to the movies and dropping all the pop corn on the floor. Wishing I could go back in time and re-play all the little things all over again and cherish each one more than the other because they are lost and gone, and I will have no more "little things" from Timmy as my life passes by each day. No more "get up get up late for school" or "please keep it down you are all to loud", "turn the music down", "pick up your clothes", "ok one more game and it's time for bed", or the big hug just because. Or how he'd follow me around the house telling me funny stories, or what happened during the day, or asking me to drive everywhere I go so he could listen to the radio and pick the music HE wants to listen to. Knowing it's Timmy coming up the steps because he had that creeky knee going on. Watching them play football outside as I drove up from work and how he'd wait for me to park and walk over to the car and say "hey mom how was your day". I wrack my brain for memories every second of the day, trying to fill the void I feel knowing I won't have any more of these silly little memory things to hold on to. This is all I have left. These short 15 years worth of little things, memories, good time and bad, no matter what it is, that's all it is now are memories. Except the why's, what if's, how can this happen. Mostly why, why, why. I'll never understand the why! I know a lot of what I say and do most people don't understand, until you lose a child to murder you could never understand the pain, the helplessness, the sadness, you isolate yourself and watch from the inside out. Wishing you could be "normal" again and knowing you never will be. Hoping that no one will mind if you bring up that funny story you want to share and not make anyone uncomfortable because you want to talk about him, you want to remember, you want to hear people say his name, and how much he meant to them or how much he is missed and to share all their "little things" with you so you can add them on to your list and have a little bit more of those "little memories". My very last memory with Timmy in my life was saying good night, he was on the computer and I rubbed his head and said don't stay up late. He said, no I won't I'm tired. His last words to me. I can still feel his hair in my hand as I reflect back on that one 30 second moment, the one that will stay with me forever until I die. My last words to him, ok baby cakes good night I love you.