Dreading the Holidays

Well Halloween starts the passage of pain in my life. Now Thanksgiving is just 2 weeks away. Then my birthday in December, then Christmas and my 21 y/o son's birthday which is also Christmas, then my baby Timmy's birthday on New Year's Eve. He will be 18 this year. This is a big birthday isn't it, when a boy turns 18, he is a man! he can vote, has learned to drive, now he can join the armed forces if he wants to. Not my son, my son is forever 15 years old. he will not learn to drive, he will not go to proms or graduate high school or join the army, or become the mechanic he wanted to be. Or have those 4 kids he said he would have when he fell in love and got married. But still he will be 18. I have now missed 2 1/2 years of him in my life and it all wraps around the holiday season. how can one be joyous? Another Thanksgiving with an empty plate, and boy he loved to eat that kid! And the Christmas that will be missed yet again, no list this year of him telling me which is his top 10 things he wants! and another birthday missed and a big one at that, 18 years old! I used to tell him no matter where you go on your birthday, you will always have a celebration going because your born on New Year's Eve. So now not only is the birthday but another New Year's Eve. Gone. Just a hollow ache, a hollow pain, that no one knows but another mom who lost a child. I try and think of good memories, but you know, even good memories bring the tears because I won't have any new good memories. How he would go and get all the decorations out. he would bug me right after Thanksgiving when are we putting up the tree, let's put up the tree and I'd say next weekend. Now I can't even bear to put up a tree and I know I will for my other two sons. I will put up a tree and I will buy a new ornament for Timmy as I have done the last 2 years, I made a pack with myself each year to buy him an ornament for the tree so that way I'm still getting him something for Christmas to put on the tree he so loved to put up and decorate. In writing this I'm preparing myself for the dreaded holidays I used to love so much. I'm preparing my family and friends that I will be lost and sad and I'm sorry I'm not who I am anymore but thankful to all of those who stuck by me and hope they still can stick by me each time a holiday or birthday or his angel day approaches as my sadness envelopes me once again.