What I Wish You Knew

Today Kaylin has been gone for one year, two weeks, and five days. I am still grieving. I am still in pain and I still hurt everyday. Some days are better then others. Lately I have had well meaning people tell me things. I have heard, "You need to move on." or "It's been a year, you need to just put it behind you." I know that those comments come from people who mean well and just do not understand what it is to lose your child. There is the compounded grief of losing my child to murder. To know that someone decided that my child should not live any more. To have her taken so suddenly that I didn't get to say good bye. She left my house and never came home. I miss her more then words can ever convey. I didn't get to bury my child and grieve. I have to deal with an investigation into my child's murder. Court dates and a defense that wants to blame her for her own murder. I am grieving and fighting for justice at the same time. I wanted to share with those of you who mean well and just don't know what to do or say. I wanted to share the things that hurt when you say them. I know that you don't mean to be hurtful and that you are trying to help and just plain old don't know what to do or say. I hope that this will help you to understand.
1. Don't tell me that I need to move on. I know that I have to continue living. It isn't that I don't want to move on, it is that I CAN'T move on. When your child is murdered, you have to deal with the justice system. You find quickly that this system is not really about getting justice for your child, but about protecting the rights of the murderer. How can I move on when I have to navigate a system that is cruel and uncaring to the survivors?
2. When I become depressed, don't tell me to "snap out of it." Don't you understand that I would if I could? I do not WANT to feel this way. I struggle just to get out of bed some days. Many parents of murdered children suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the murder of their child. Many go from bereaved to clinically depressed. If we could just "snap out of it." we would.
3. Say my child's name. So often after the death of a child no one will say their name. She is still my child. I still love her. When you won't mention her name or let me talk about her it hurts. She existed and to not mention her name feels like you don't want to acknowledge that she did.
4. Don't avoid me. I know it is harder to be around me. I will do my best to put on my "people face" and talk with you. Know that sometimes when I talk about my child, I just need to say her name. Don't look uncomfortable. Just let me tell you about her as you would have if she were still alive. The friend who can do that is a treasure.
5. Don't talk about closure. There is no such thing as closure. I will never have closure because someone is now missing from my life.
6. Don't tell me that nothing will bring my child back. I know that and I hear it all too often in the judicial journey. No one knows better then the parent of a murdered child that nothing will bring them back. I still want justice. I will still pursue justice because my child deserves it. She was valuable and her life mattered.
7. Don't tell me that you will be glad when I am back to my "old self." I will NEVER be that person again. My life has changed forever. I cannot go back to who I was before my child was taken from me by violence.
DO talk to me. Share your life with me. Tell me about the things that are important to you. Let me do the same.
I know that there are people out there who care about me and who are hurt to see me continue to suffer. There is no time limit for grief. I don't want to bring you down all the time so there will be times I avoid you. It isn't because I don't like you anymore. It is because I am hurting and don't want to "bring you down with my pain." Just telling me you care means so much. I hope that this will help in knowing what a parent of a murdered child needs. I would give anything and everything to just go back to the life I had. I would love to get out of bed knowing my child is safe at home. I am doing the best that I can, and some days just getting out of bed is an accomplishment.